What words help calm a child in a meltdown?

Short answer: Use "Safety Scripts" that communicate presence without pressure. Phrases like "I am not going anywhere," "This is a big feeling," and "We will get through this" help regulate the nervous system.

✅ Try These Scripts

  • "I am here. I am not going anywhere."
  • "You are safe. I've got you."
  • "It is okay to cry. I will wait."
  • (Silence) – Sometimes presence is the best script.

What should I NOT say during a meltdown?

Short answer: Avoid commands, questions, and minimization. Phrases like "Calm down," "Use your words," or "Why are you crying?" increase cognitive load and escalate the panic. Never use threats during a safety crisis.

🚫 Avoid These Triggers

  • "Calm down." (Invalidating)
  • "Why are you acting like this?" (Requires logic brain)
  • "If you don't stop, no TV." (Threat = Danger)
  • "You are embarrassing me." (Increases shame)

How do I stay calm when my child is melting down?

Short answer: Activate your own parasympathetic nervous system. Take a deep breath, sit on the floor (get low), and repeat a mantra like "This is not an emergency" to prevent your brain from matching their chaos.

How long do meltdowns last?

Short answer: Meltdowns typically last 10 to 45 minutes. The duration depends on the intensity of the trigger and how the adult responds. Adding pressure or punishment usually prolongs the episode.

What do I do after the meltdown ends?

Short answer: Focus on reconnection, not correction. Offer water or a crunchy snack to help the nervous system reset. Do not lecture about behavior until the child is fully regulated, which may take several hours.

What should parents do next?

  1. Print a Script: Tape the "Safety Scripts" to your fridge so you don't have to think when the screaming starts.
  2. Practice the Pause: Before you speak, take one deep breath. This split-second pause can prevent you from yelling back.
  3. Create a Repair Ritual: Establish a way to reconnect after the storm, like a specific hug or sharing a glass of water.

Common Questions

What if they are hitting me?

Answer: Safety is the priority. Firmly but calmly block the hit and say, "I will not let you hurt me." If necessary, move to the other side of a door while maintaining voice contact: "I am right here, but I am keeping my body safe."

Does comforting them reward bad behavior?

Answer: No. A meltdown is not "behavior"; it is a loss of control. Comforting a panic attack does not encourage more panic attacks. Connection must come before correction.